Dear So and So!!

Ok, kids, it’s that time of the week! Yep, Dear so & So! Hold on, this could leave a mark!

Dear School,
I absolutely love you! I know some of my friends have been dreading that day as their youngster is going off to the first day and I so remember those! But seeing as this is my third child and this is his 8th year…can I buy you chocolate…or a beer…cuz I do know that kid and you are definitely gonna need it! Why do you think I have bought stock in wine?
Luv Ya!
Have a Good Day and Behave


Dear Alphie,
Yes, you are a good, yes you really are, yes, yes you are. Now quit shitting on the floor EVERY DAMN TIME I walk out of the door! I walk you and walk you and what do I get in return? Tootsie rolls on the floor if I even run to the store and back! Well, revenge is mine! See that little crate over there? Momma went to the evil Wally World and bought that for you today! Yep, shit where you sleep, not where I step!
Thanks!
Can’t look at tootsie rolls anymore

Dear Bill Collectors,
Ok, we have been playing this game for over 6 years now! You continually call here for Tom. I keep telling you that you are calling the wrong number. You need to look up and start talking because that is the only way you are going to get him on the line! He is dead, you assholes! I have sent you death certificates over and over and over! My name is not on those bills and the estate has been closed. Now go to Hell or I will help send you! Yes, I know I was his wife as I happen to be there at the time I made that commitment and I was there when he died, trust me on this! He is not going to pay you, really, seriously, he is not. Nor am I! You are turning this into fun for me as I am sure I have made a few of you either pee your pants or cry, or both! See, when you mess with an insane widow, you get what you get!
You don’t have to always do your job,
1-800-Call-God

Dear Daughter,
Thanks for putting it all over MySpace that you have, and I quote “The worst fucking parents in the world!” You can what you want about the sperm donor dude but I did not deserve that. Yes, I apologized for missing my grand daughters 1st B-day! One, you did not have a party or if you did, you did not invite me! Two, I was out of town having FUN for a change and did not remember. Three, I called you the very next morning and you would not talk to me. Four, She is only ONE YEAR OLD!! I PROMISE she will never remember that she did not hear my voice on that day!
That just bites after all that I have done for you that your “father” refused! Let’s just start with last Christmas! I spent over $400 on you, your 2 kids, and that loser of a boyfriend you have. Yes, I even bought him gifts so as not to feel left out! What did I get? A Fucking box of chocolate covered cherries! Whoopp-dee-fucking-doo!

Let’s not even go into the fact of all of the other times I have gave you money and such things like letting you and another loser live in my house! Or lest we forget that I took care of YOUR son for 45 days while you were in jail for being an idiot! Yep, I am the worst parent...And you know how people call you little bitch...well, you just pissed of Big Bitch and you know how that rolls! Just sayin’

‘Nuff Said,
Not getting parent of the year award

Ok, so that is that! Rant over and I don’t feel better but I can handle it. So, now off to do something creative or destructive. Or go blog lurking. Who knows?

Male or Female:::

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object.... because to get them to go anywhere...you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

Hugs & Kizzes,
Karen