Dear So and So!!

Ok, kids, it’s that time of the week! Yep, Dear so & So! Hold on, this could leave a mark!

Dear School,
I absolutely love you! I know some of my friends have been dreading that day as their youngster is going off to the first day and I so remember those! But seeing as this is my third child and this is his 8th year…can I buy you chocolate…or a beer…cuz I do know that kid and you are definitely gonna need it! Why do you think I have bought stock in wine?
Luv Ya!
Have a Good Day and Behave


Dear Alphie,
Yes, you are a good, yes you really are, yes, yes you are. Now quit shitting on the floor EVERY DAMN TIME I walk out of the door! I walk you and walk you and what do I get in return? Tootsie rolls on the floor if I even run to the store and back! Well, revenge is mine! See that little crate over there? Momma went to the evil Wally World and bought that for you today! Yep, shit where you sleep, not where I step!
Thanks!
Can’t look at tootsie rolls anymore

Dear Bill Collectors,
Ok, we have been playing this game for over 6 years now! You continually call here for Tom. I keep telling you that you are calling the wrong number. You need to look up and start talking because that is the only way you are going to get him on the line! He is dead, you assholes! I have sent you death certificates over and over and over! My name is not on those bills and the estate has been closed. Now go to Hell or I will help send you! Yes, I know I was his wife as I happen to be there at the time I made that commitment and I was there when he died, trust me on this! He is not going to pay you, really, seriously, he is not. Nor am I! You are turning this into fun for me as I am sure I have made a few of you either pee your pants or cry, or both! See, when you mess with an insane widow, you get what you get!
You don’t have to always do your job,
1-800-Call-God

Dear Daughter,
Thanks for putting it all over MySpace that you have, and I quote “The worst fucking parents in the world!” You can what you want about the sperm donor dude but I did not deserve that. Yes, I apologized for missing my grand daughters 1st B-day! One, you did not have a party or if you did, you did not invite me! Two, I was out of town having FUN for a change and did not remember. Three, I called you the very next morning and you would not talk to me. Four, She is only ONE YEAR OLD!! I PROMISE she will never remember that she did not hear my voice on that day!
That just bites after all that I have done for you that your “father” refused! Let’s just start with last Christmas! I spent over $400 on you, your 2 kids, and that loser of a boyfriend you have. Yes, I even bought him gifts so as not to feel left out! What did I get? A Fucking box of chocolate covered cherries! Whoopp-dee-fucking-doo!

Let’s not even go into the fact of all of the other times I have gave you money and such things like letting you and another loser live in my house! Or lest we forget that I took care of YOUR son for 45 days while you were in jail for being an idiot! Yep, I am the worst parent...And you know how people call you little bitch...well, you just pissed of Big Bitch and you know how that rolls! Just sayin’

‘Nuff Said,
Not getting parent of the year award

Ok, so that is that! Rant over and I don’t feel better but I can handle it. So, now off to do something creative or destructive. Or go blog lurking. Who knows?

Male or Female:::

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object.... because to get them to go anywhere...you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

Hugs & Kizzes,
Karen

My BFF Tried to Kill Me!!

Good Morning to you! Well, it is sorta good here since the house is all quiet thanks to that lovely school bus taking my child away for 8 hours a day.

Today’s blog is about last weekend since a new one is upon us!

So, my weekend! Whew, I gotta remember that I am not as young as I think I am. Connie (my BFF) and I had talked and decided to go to the fair on Friday after I did the doctor. So I call her when I am done and she, in all of her wonderful brilliance, says “How about I kidnap you for the day!” We do this once ina while where we spend the night at each others house and catch up on each others lives. Ok, cool, I can use a day off! So she comes into town, grabs me and off we go! We go to the VFW in her town which is about 20 minutes from me! They LOVE me there. No idea why but they do! I walk in and you would think had been gone for years. It is so nice to get that feeling from them. Plus, as they say, we can’t wait to see what you girls do next! Well, beer started flowing…and flowing..and flowing! We got to her house about 11 that night! Stay up talking and a few White Russians later, we finally go to bed. Ok, Saturday I am to go to the Annual Cookout at the VFW here. We get up, have coffee……and Bloody Mary’s! Then Margaritas…see where this is going? Ummm…I made it to where I was suppose to go…..at 5:30 that night! BUTTTTT…..With a note from Mom to explain why I was late:







Gregg and I hung out for a while and finally went home and sat out on the porch letting the skeeters chew on me for a while!

Needless to say, Sunday I felt like a bucket of fuck! Oh, Lord, what have I done to myself? And you know you are not smart and will do it again one of these days! And did anybody have sympathy for me? Hell No! I just got laughed at all day! And I got over it so there! Nothing like a day of moving from the computer to the bed and back. And darling Gregg did make Spaghetti for dinner so I had no cooking to do. Which was good because food was not what my stomach was wanting so much. But I hadn’t ate since Thursday so I did eat some and it was good.

Tuesday was a great day! Andy went off to school and I did the Happy Dance while the dog just looked at me with that look and life was good!

This week has been pretty uneventful until this morning but I will blog about that tomorrow as it just pisses me off to no end and I don’t want to ruin a happy blog with finally figuring out why some species eat their young!

This weekend is gonna be slightly busy as we have approximately 500 pound of tomatoes in the garden that I am going to have to do something with besides throw them at the cars passing by!

Can you believe Marty and Rick have been married for 15 years and that still actually LIKE each other. Miracles do happen! If I was still with my cheating ex husband, this year would have been our 25th! Naw, prolly not, I would have killed him by now!

Here is your funny for the day:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)



After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.



One child wrote the following:



We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida .. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.



They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.



There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.



At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.



My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


PRICELESS !!!

Hugs & Kizzes

Karen

I know, I know! I have been a bad blogger but sometimes life happens.

Gregg was on vacation last week and I can get NOTING done when he is around all day. Plus the kid was at camp so we enjoyed some “us alone” time and that was actually very nice!!!

The drive to take him to camp just about kills me but it is worth it! It is 80 miles one way but once you get off of the Interstate and drive thru the hills of Nashville, Indiana, it is absolutely gorgeous. All of the hills and trees and animals! If I were a smart person I would have taken my camera and stopped and taken some pix but alas, we know me and we know I is not always smart!

I did have one little incident on the drive tho. Damn car swerved into the Brown County Winery!!! OMG...It just turned right in without me knowing it! And then I blacked out and SOMEHOW 4 bottles of wine ended up in my trunk!!!! How did that happen?? But I will thank the wine ghost as I got some yummy stuff! Raspberry wine on the porch on a hot August day...What a life!

As you know, we went to the fair on Friday and ate our way thru it! Picture this, two adults consuming:

4 corndogs
3 ears of corn
1 rib eye sammich
1 pineapple whip
1 elephant ear
1 apple dumpling
3 pork chops
1 banana/strawberry slushy
1 lemon shake-up
3 Pepsi’s
2 bottles of water

And we did all of that in 6 hours!! Hey, don’t judge…it only happens once a year. Ok, I lied…I am going again this Friday with the girls! Hehehe

Then on Saturday I had to go pick up the kid and I so hated that drive as we stayed out late on Friday playing with the gang. It has been a very long time since we both stayed out in public that late so the long drive the next day just about killed me. Who turned the sun up so bright??

Sunday, I became a Murderer! Yep, I killed the dust bunnies! Gregg started on Saturday while I went to Nashville and since my tired butt went to bed early Saturday I woke up Sunday in the mood to be …wait for it…domesticated! OMG!! Now that is a totally scary thing. I NEVER, I repeat, NEVER have that urge! I marinated pork chops for dinner, made cucumbers & onions, made corn casserole, cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen and both bathrooms, did laundry, made 5 pounds of salsa, and even did the dishes as I went along and after dinner! Gregg was sure someone had taken over my body. He kept asking where the real Karen was and who was I!!! I likes to keep him on his toes like that!

This week has been a busy one with doctor appts. Monday we saw the Psychologist, and Tuesday the Psychiatrist. They are both in the same office but the damn insurance won’t pay for two visits in one day. Then we went to Shoe Carnival and for the first time EVER in my life I paid $50.00 for a pair of shoes for the kid!! OMG!! But I will say he had $20 coming from his allowance and he gave it too me to help pay for his shoes so it wasn’t all that bad! Yesterday after his appt. we went to Wally World and got a bunch of clothes for him. I did one thing good in raising my kids in the fact that they do migrate towards the clearance racks as they have learned they can get more there! I am pretty open to letting them have “special” things for the start of school but he is turning into a wise young man!

Today is more chores today as in I have to clean my carpets and stuff since my “darling” dog decided to have diarrhea last night. ALL OVER THE HOUSE! Nothing like waking up scratching your eyes and your ass and walking out to the living room and attempting to dodge land mines EVERY WHERE!! And all before coffee! Argggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Tomorrow is my follow-up appt. for my arm. He thinks he may put me in therapy! When we were there last week he said that and of course Gregg popped up with “I don’t think you are the right kind of doctor to send her to the right kind of therapy that she needs” Smartass!

Friday I is off to eat more fair food…oh God help me! Saturday is the Annual Cook-out at the VFW and Sunday I will be on the couch or in rehab. Yet to be determined. If you don’t hear from me, please come visit me and I will share my meds with you!

Ok, now that you are fully and knowledgely (is that even a word?) bored will leave you a giggle:

Since it is Back to School Time, this fits:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I love this kid)

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No, sir, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

Dear So and So!!

Sooo...Hi There! How the Hell has ya been? Oh, never mind, I know cuz’ I been a reading’ ya know! Just haven’t had the urge to write anything! But I need to do my Saturday thingy so without further ado:

Dear Andy,
You did it my boy! You made it 12 years of age! How, I have no clue, but you did it! And I even played good Mom and got you the Xbox 360 that you have been whining for the past 180 days at least 180 times a day! I know I should not encourage you to play video games and make you go outside but honestly, the peace and quiet is SOOO worth it right now! And you re doing good earning the money for more gadgets and games for it so maybe something good can come from this!

Quiet is Bliss!


Dear Daughter,
Could you PLEASE stop having birthdays now? You see, every year that you get older, guess who does too! Yep, that would be me! And I am not liking this, at all! You are at a good age of 26, stop there…mmmm kay?!?!? But you is a good girl so Happy Birthday anyway!

HAHAHA, you are old now!


Dear Dr. Asshat,
Yanno, you said this would be all good after I let you cut a six inch gash in my arm. Well, guess what? IT. IS. NOT!! The two fingers that you were to fix, yep, you guessed it…still numb and tingly! I talked to you lovely nurse on Tuesday who said that I could take the stint off for a couple of hours so I could scratch the first six layers off of my arm from all of the itching. OMG….Where did you learn to sew? Frankenstein had a better seamstress! And those 45 Vicodin you gave me...Gone...gone I tell ya! And I have a good tolerance for pain. Hell, I had a hysterectomy and only took pain meds for the first couple of days! I will be seeing you on Thursday and I hope you have paid your insurance as me thinks you are going to be paying for plastic surgery and not the kind that I had envisioned ever having. Ya know, I still want a boob job. Maybe after I sue your ass, I can have my arm fixed, a tummy tuck, and a boob job! This could work out!
Maybe Thanks!

Scarred for life!


Dear Alphie and Molly,
You finally did IT! Twice so far! Am I gonna be a Grandma again? You are going for a doggie date today and tomorrow so I do hope you finish up your “business”. This shit of getting up at 6 in the morning because you’re Mr. Winky is hard and she is not here and you want to whine is soooo not working for me!

Your doggie porn watching Momma


Dear Hot Water Heater,
Thanks dude! I mean seriously, how did you look out from the closet and see me sitting here moving money from one account to another so that I wouldn’t spend it? You are only five years old, how can you be tired? Yes, I understand that the water around here is so hard you practically have to chew it, but come on! Well, I threw your ass outta the house. Take That! You will be leaving my porch on Monday to never be seen again! I will get a new one from the supply company and will sell it to get some money back that you stole from me! And I will thank you as I am sitting on the beach next year!

Cold showers suck!


Dear Camp Kesem,
WHOOOTTTTTTTT to you! It is that time of the year again! You get to take the above mentioned boy for 6 whole peace and quiet loving days! I don’t care much for the 4 hours round trip drive but that’s OK! HE loves you; I love you so I see a win/win situation! But I do have one question…Do you have bed bugs? If so, please tell me now so I can be ready for the weeks of scratching, bleeding and bitching!

Two Happy Campers!


Ok, that is it for the day. I am sure I have more but will not completely bore you!

Hugs & Kizzes
Karen