Some are Old, Some are Not!

A few good Senior Moments Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guysare out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' One more. . .......! A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

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Monday..TG!!

Trying to catch up with all of you…man… you guys get busy when I do!



Friday was a great day. I got up, piddled around here and finally got my shit together. I needed to go to Jimmy’s and work on some pop up thing on his computer. I finally got him in the 20th century about a year ago and now he thinks I know it all when it comes to computers. I am not a geek but most times I can fix my own stuff. The one thing that I haven’t totally figured out is Vista but I do think it sucks. I have had Windows XP since it came out and I know that shit. I am installing windows 7 soon because it is easier.


So I do all of the girlie things and am about to walk out the door to do that, go get beer and ice for the concert and hit the ATM! Connie calls and said she happened to get off work early and is almost to my house! Yippee…day starting earlier.


She walks in with a jug of Margaritas and a case of beer!!! Can you see where this is going? It is only 1:30 pm. We are meeting the other girls at 4-4:30!!!


We fix a margarita, run to get ice, go to Jimmy’s, and are back here by 2:30! Life is good! Now before you go yelling at me for drinking and driving, I want to point out that the entire drive to do all of the above errands is ¼ mile circle that only lands me on public property for 3 seconds! And I did that before I had drunk a quarter of it.


Anywho, I had already arranged for Jimmy to take us to the bar to meet the rest of the gang. We meet up at 4:00 and if you think Marty and Carol talked…try getting 7 women together in one place. OMFG!! I have some of the greatest friends. One new person to the group was Tammy’s Mom that was in town from Atlanta. Georgia visiting so we managed to get her a ticket to go with us.


God I love southern woman and that twang! And funny…OMG, I could just take her home and keep her. I had only met her once at Tammy’s wedding last year but you would think we were long lost friends she hadn’t seen in years!!


The concert….Well, the first part with Garry Allen SUCKED BIG ONES! I have always liked him. He came out swilling on a bottle of Jack and immediately started singing every cry in your beer song he knew!! His wife committed suicide a few years ago and he hasn’t gotten over it yet, obviously!


And that day was a kind of sucky day that was at the back of my mind all day was that it was 7 years ago that Tom died and I had a good cry in the morning and then said “Pull up you big girl panties and get on with it”! And I did well until that fucker started singing. I had a quick pity party of one for about 5 minutes but I had a swarm around me that gave me big hugs and then it was over.


Brooks & Dunn were awesome though! As soon as they started, SEVEN middle-aged women were dancing around like fools.


It was hotter than Hell until the sun went down but all ended well. We managed to crawl in bed around 1 am since I had to get up at 7 am the next morning for the golf shit.


The day started good as it was only 80 degrees at 10 am. Then I had to deal with a man older than dirt that is pissed off that all that became of his life is being a clerk at a crappy golf course in Indiana and not in Augusta with the big boys and we were interrupting him.


Ok ASSHAT, I have 125 men on this golf course THAT THEY PAID TO PLAY ON that would prefer their water and beer be COLD. I dunno, something about it pushing 90 degrees at noon! I am sorry that your ice machine can’t keep up because this is a crappy clubhouse but, DUDE! You are within FIVE MINUTES of a) Wal-Mart b) Marsh c) Kroger d) Liquor store, and e) 100 other stores that carry ice and you have 4 teenagers running around here that could, I don’t know, maybe GO GET SOME FUCKING ICE!!


Well, that was my statement to him. I wasn’t there to make friends with him…Those guys out there in the heat wanting cold beer were PAYING me to get this for them!


And OH LORD, then we needed more beer because this is NOT a tea and crumpet group! It is Saturday, most of them were out last night and need the hair of the dog and OMG you are making money off them because they are BUYING YOUR BEER!


The only thing that saved that old man’s ass from being buried at the ninth hole was that the guy that set this up made a call and on the next trip to stock, we were treated with smiles and ice! And a different guy.


Then the fucker just grabbed our money bags and then handed us the rest to split between us girls. Umm…did I mention that I was hot and tired by this point and had enough of this guy?


“Umm, excuse me, that is MY MONEY until I hand it to you. You tell me what we owe you, I WILL HAND you that amount and you wait! I have done this for years and this has got to be the worst set-up I have ever dealt with. It is Saturday, in July, you know you have a planned group of around 150 coming with regulars coming in too and you can’t be bothered to be stocked. You do your job so I can do mine or next time I will bring my own stock and you will lose money. M’Kay?”


Needless to say when I got downstairs, I was met with lots of smiles from the guys. A lot of these guys have known me for years, I was their bartender for years, and we hang out occasionally. They said they were just wondering when it would happen.


Then another friend was having a cookout at his house for most of us so off we went to that. In more heat! We did the “make an appearance” thing and then four of us wanted a good stiff drink in A/C so we did that. We had a few COLD cocktails but then we were all fading fast. We got home and I swear I started stripping the minute I walked in the door. I needed a shower so bad! Oh how good that felt. I was in bed around 11:30!! HEAVEN!


Sunday was a kiss off day. Gregg swept and did some slight dusting and made a FANTASTIC roast for dinner, we played some golf on the Wii and was in bed by 10 pm. Until I woke up at 12:30 with one Mother of a hot flash! Was awake until 4 am trying to get that shit to stop. I’m talking the feet in the bath tub with cold water running, putting ice between the boobs, wanting to hurt someone type of flashes.


It’s Monday. Yippee! I have a full load this week as the Brickyard is this weekend and some friends always have a big party. He is the one that just had his prostate remove and Jan needs help so I opened the good old big mouth. I shall be busy. And they want FUCKING DEVILED EGGS!!


Ok, now that I wrote that novel, I am going to try to catch up with you guys until my phone rings with the first of my duties for the week.


Smile, we are picking daisies instead of pushing them up!

For Me! No Comments needed

I'm doing it!! Seven years without you. Fucking sucks. I am doing it. I look at our son every day and I remember every moment. I keep pictures of you in the house for Andrew (me) and You are so missed He has your build and my good looks!!

Do you remember in awe were supposed to get married this year on a beach? 2010!

Then you popped the WORST NEWS ANYONE CAN EVERY HEAR

Stage 4 Cancer

Then I popped up with I always wanted to get married on the beach..You answer...we are goin.yanto??

Our 2 week before we leave to drive to Panama City Beach with a 2 and 9 year boys in July pack all of this crap up plan a wedding finad dress licensewalmart for food to feed these kids fun sports plugin TV that used VHS stop every 60 seconds because "he" had to pee are we there yet and Thank God they slept until Alabama....oops..that was both boys and me!!

Tuesday Ten and Then Some!

Yep Tuesday! THANK YOU JEBUS!!! Gregg is back to work and I am in peace. I love it when he is off but then it gets to the point of GO AWAY!! Jimmy was supposed to take him fishing one day but I wore them out doing the floor. Let’s see if I can remember my last week?!?!?



Monday – Ripped out all of the old carpet and padding. Was anxious to start but my friend John that does it for a living needed his tools that day so we had to wait until Tuesday. Messed around getting a gazillion and ten staples out of the floor. Not Fun!


Tuesday – Got a late start but started. Jimmy and I couldn’t get the stuff to snap together like it was suppose to and we had about 7 rows done and decided to take it up and try again. Ok, round two, we were getting the ends to snap but not the sides. At this point we are about 5 hours in to messing with this. I am hot, tired and just downright frustrated. We quit and I figure I will be seeing John in a couple of hours and ask him what the Hell we are doing wrong. I will not embarrass myself with the laughter I heard from two people that do this stuff every day. Thank God I was drinking! Hey, it was Gregg’s B-Day, I HAD to!!


Wednesday – We try, and try, and even had another friend come over to help. One of my other friends, Mark, told me if I needed help to call him and he would come by and help. HELLO, HELP! He walked in and in all of maybe a minute had us going. Well, when I say “us” it is relative. I got to watch as three testosterone fueled males took it over. I got to lay boards out for them and go get them lunch at three different place but WTH, I am getting floor! They work until about 6 that night.


Thursday – They are back at it at 9:30 – 10:00. They work until about 7:30 that night but it is done. And I totally love it. Well, all except the part of having 8 little paws with nails tromping across it. They can’t hurt it but the racket, OMFG!!! Then I went drinking! It was one of the guys B-Day so it was only fair that I took him for a few drinks for all of his work.


Friday – The part I left out of the above is that when John came over on Wednesday to haul away the old stuff he informed us that on Thursday he was having his Prostate removed!!!! WTF???? He had Prostate Cancer!!! I knew from Jan that he had been having a bunch of test but they kept it real quiet! Bastards! The surgery went well but then that night his temp went up and his stomach was filling with fluid. They had to back in and find out why. Well, he had a hole in his colon. One that wasn’t there when he had the first surgery!! Got that fixed but then his heartbeat was too high. And they couldn’t get his oxygen up to the right level. He was fighting the breathing mask so they had to sedate him and put him on a ventilator!!


Sunday and yesterday they were able to get him to breathe on his own and took it off on Monday. He is now expected to make a full recovery from surgery. They are 99% sure they got all of the cancer too!!


Saturday – This day was all about putting all of my crap back. I can say for once in a long while that EVERYTHING is dusted, windexed and clean. If you want to see it, you better hurry because it won’t last and Lord knows when it will look like this again!


Sunday - More cleaning and cooking and then we blew the street up and watched fireworks. I cooked hamburgers, hotdogs, brats, baked beans, mac & cheese, tater salad, corn on the cob, cantaloupe, and strawberries with angel food cake! Oh, and I had a few cocktails while watching. Okay, maybe more than a few! Long week people and it was the country’s B-day!!


Monday – Didn’t do a damn thing!


I tried last week to find a battery for my camera and couldn’t but didn’t have time to run everywhere. Will do it this week and give you before and after shots soon.


Today – All the shit I couldn’t do with a house full of men and one very needy one that is safely at work!

A Rare View!!

I "Think" I Fixed the Pics!!

I think I figured out how to change pics from bitmap to jpeg!! Mebbe!

This first one is the one I tried to poast a while back that treminded me of Rick & Marty!!

What Did You Say?

What did you say?